Ugh, boundaries!

So most of us have heard the term, "boundaries," largely made famous by two brilliant men, Cloud and Townsend. A lot of you have probably read their primary book about it, and even a few of their more specific books about having boundaries in various types of relationships. A brief recap: boundaries are the ability to retain a strong sense of self, while engaging in relationships with others. Sounds simple enough, however....so flipping difficult for most of us. As a result of this, I have come up with one question to help you navigate an attempt at being halfway healthy in your relationships.

I have found that those of us who struggle with either saying "yes" or "no" too often, get into such a fixed pattern of attempting to either appease others or protect ourselves, that we no longer know when to answer yes or no. We then will second guess ourselves to death in an attempt to be healthy. So, without further delay, the question is, (drum roll, please....)

Is it at my joy or my expense?

Let me give you an example. The boyfriend of my client told her that she was doing too much for her young adult kids on a regular basis, which was fairly accurate. He pointed this out one day when she fixed one of them a sandwich. She was confused as to whether that was excessive or not. So, I asked her, did you enjoy fixing him a sandwich? She, like any other southern mama whose baby comes home from college for a few days, said, absolutely! Well, that was at her joy. Now, same said adult baby called her telling her that he blew all of his monthly allowance on beer, as opposed to food and needed more money. She again felt confused, especially because she had her own budgeted bills. Insert question. She said that it would be at her expense to give him more money, and by the way, he could just eat on his meal plan at school. Imagine me dusting my hands off with gusto, boundary issue resolved!  

by Jennifer Yaeger, LPC, CPCS, CMAC